Tag Archives: mental health

Today

I am consumed by hate and fear and anxiety, when I desperately want to feel love and joy and calm. My face is forgetting how to smile. I need to remember how to do it before it’s gone for good. … Continue reading

Posted in anxiety, depression, Fear, mental health, relationships | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

Unloved kid.

I always felt frightened. I can’t remember not feeling like that. I lived with chaos, instability, violence, misery. I look at old photos of me and from the age of about four I have that same slightly blank, shell-shocked look … Continue reading

Posted in anxiety, childhood, depression, Fear, mental health, relationships | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments

Sigh. (Again.)

After today’s colossal and repeated errors in judgement, rampant foolishness, overwhelming panic and just utter stupidity, I have come to the conclusion that I learn slower than a fucking pigeon. When will it end? I am an unstoppable fool; this … Continue reading

Posted in anxiety, depression, mental health, music, OCD, relationships | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

In which I am a mess.

I am all over the place these days. J came back from hospital but has to go back in again on Monday. Still no joy getting rid of his abscess. He will stay for a while I think. My OCD … Continue reading

Posted in anxiety, depression, mental health, OCD | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Neutropenia.

J is going back to Birmingham. Another blow. He has neutropenia; his white blood cells are demolished and there’s nowhere to go with medication now. No changes to make that will help him. I do not know what they will … Continue reading

Posted in anxiety, depression, Fear, liver transplant, mental health | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

unstoppable pain

Posted in anxiety, depression, relationships | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

Words

I was awake much of last night, thinking, crying, anxious, frightened almost. I wrote in my diary and listened to music that can sometimes settle me but last night, nothing. It was a bad night. Dark thoughts, wanting to just … Continue reading

Posted in anxiety, depression, insomnia, obsessive compulsive, relationships | Tagged , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

I have a friend

who I have known for 20 years. His name is Stuart. We became friends back when I went to college as a mature student. (Even though I was only 23 at the time I had not been in education since … Continue reading

Posted in anxiety, depression, happy, mental health, relationships | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

I’ve been down this road before…

The last few days have been very difficult. I have felt a recurrence of symptoms of my depression and been frightened by what that means. Is it coming back? Do the signs point to another long trip downhill? I don’t … Continue reading

Posted in anxiety, depression, mental health, obsessive compulsive | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Refuge

I am feeling everything and anything today. So many intrusive thoughts, so much anxiety, so much painful loss. Trying very, very hard to keep going with the CBT tools.  Trying so very hard to maintain a sense of reality and … Continue reading

Posted in anxiety, Fear, mental health, obsessive compulsive | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment