Tag Archives: fear

Today

I am consumed by hate and fear and anxiety, when I desperately want to feel love and joy and calm. My face is forgetting how to smile. I need to remember how to do it before it’s gone for good. … Continue reading

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Sigh. (Again.)

After today’s colossal and repeated errors in judgement, rampant foolishness, overwhelming panic and just utter stupidity, I have come to the conclusion that I learn slower than a fucking pigeon. When will it end? I am an unstoppable fool; this … Continue reading

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In which I am a mess.

I am all over the place these days. J came back from hospital but has to go back in again on Monday. Still no joy getting rid of his abscess. He will stay for a while I think. My OCD … Continue reading

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Neutropenia.

J is going back to Birmingham. Another blow. He has neutropenia; his white blood cells are demolished and there’s nowhere to go with medication now. No changes to make that will help him. I do not know what they will … Continue reading

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Words

I was awake much of last night, thinking, crying, anxious, frightened almost. I wrote in my diary and listened to music that can sometimes settle me but last night, nothing. It was a bad night. Dark thoughts, wanting to just … Continue reading

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Refuge

I am feeling everything and anything today. So many intrusive thoughts, so much anxiety, so much painful loss. Trying very, very hard to keep going with the CBT tools.  Trying so very hard to maintain a sense of reality and … Continue reading

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It’s just a ride.

It has been a week of up and down. I am dealing well with the OCD behaviours and making some good progress and I’m happy about that. But I have been in very low mood, dwelling on the last 8 … Continue reading

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Therapy. Again.

It’s been a rough few days. Raging paranoia, anxiety, panic, sadness, mania, all flooding through me, as bad as it has been for a long time. I’ve been practising compassion-focussed therapy and it is such hard work to get to … Continue reading

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Who I am.

I’m sad. I’m lonely. I’m tired and can’t sleep. I’m frightened of so many things that I don’t know where to start to deal with them. I’m losing my hair. I’m forgetting to eat. I’m drinking too much. I’m obsessive. … Continue reading

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Breakthrough

Yesterday was CBT session 2. I Had some time to myself in the morning to think myself ready, coz it’s HARD WORK, and I trundled off to see my counsellor, who I will call Lucy, and got ready to spill … Continue reading

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