Tag Archives: anxiety

Today

I am consumed by hate and fear and anxiety, when I desperately want to feel love and joy and calm. My face is forgetting how to smile. I need to remember how to do it before it’s gone for good. … Continue reading

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Unloved kid.

I always felt frightened. I can’t remember not feeling like that. I lived with chaos, instability, violence, misery. I look at old photos of me and from the age of about four I have that same slightly blank, shell-shocked look … Continue reading

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Sigh. (Again.)

After today’s colossal and repeated errors in judgement, rampant foolishness, overwhelming panic and just utter stupidity, I have come to the conclusion that I learn slower than a fucking pigeon. When will it end? I am an unstoppable fool; this … Continue reading

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In which I am a mess.

I am all over the place these days. J came back from hospital but has to go back in again on Monday. Still no joy getting rid of his abscess. He will stay for a while I think. My OCD … Continue reading

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Neutropenia.

J is going back to Birmingham. Another blow. He has neutropenia; his white blood cells are demolished and there’s nowhere to go with medication now. No changes to make that will help him. I do not know what they will … Continue reading

Posted in anxiety, depression, Fear, liver transplant, mental health | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

unstoppable pain

Posted in anxiety, depression, relationships | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

Words

I was awake much of last night, thinking, crying, anxious, frightened almost. I wrote in my diary and listened to music that can sometimes settle me but last night, nothing. It was a bad night. Dark thoughts, wanting to just … Continue reading

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I have a friend

who I have known for 20 years. His name is Stuart. We became friends back when I went to college as a mature student. (Even though I was only 23 at the time I had not been in education since … Continue reading

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Two steps forward…

…one step back. Or what feels like two steps back. He’s back in hospital. He was feeling unwell for a few days and then he went really poorly on Thursday and was readmitted while they work out what’s wrong. Turns … Continue reading

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I’ve been down this road before…

The last few days have been very difficult. I have felt a recurrence of symptoms of my depression and been frightened by what that means. Is it coming back? Do the signs point to another long trip downhill? I don’t … Continue reading

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