Category Archives: relationships

Today

I am consumed by hate and fear and anxiety, when I desperately want to feel love and joy and calm. My face is forgetting how to smile. I need to remember how to do it before it’s gone for good. … Continue reading

Posted in anxiety, depression, Fear, mental health, relationships | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

Unloved kid.

I always felt frightened. I can’t remember not feeling like that. I lived with chaos, instability, violence, misery. I look at old photos of me and from the age of about four I have that same slightly blank, shell-shocked look … Continue reading

Posted in anxiety, childhood, depression, Fear, mental health, relationships | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments

Sigh. (Again.)

After today’s colossal and repeated errors in judgement, rampant foolishness, overwhelming panic and just utter stupidity, I have come to the conclusion that I learn slower than a fucking pigeon. When will it end? I am an unstoppable fool; this … Continue reading

Posted in anxiety, depression, mental health, music, OCD, relationships | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

unstoppable pain

Posted in anxiety, depression, relationships | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

Words

I was awake much of last night, thinking, crying, anxious, frightened almost. I wrote in my diary and listened to music that can sometimes settle me but last night, nothing. It was a bad night. Dark thoughts, wanting to just … Continue reading

Posted in anxiety, depression, insomnia, obsessive compulsive, relationships | Tagged , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

I have a friend

who I have known for 20 years. His name is Stuart. We became friends back when I went to college as a mature student. (Even though I was only 23 at the time I had not been in education since … Continue reading

Posted in anxiety, depression, happy, mental health, relationships | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Mr Blue Sky

The soundtrack to one of the best periods of my life was ELO’s Out of the Blue. I listened to it on repeat on a nearly worn-through cassette on my shiny yellow sports Walkman. I went everywhere hearing Jeff Lynne’s … Continue reading

Posted in childhood, relationships | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

“Shut up and move with me, or get out of my faceā€¦. “

“Shut up and stay with me, or let go of my hand” I want to move on. I want to run very fast and very far and I am being held back by people who want me to stand still. … Continue reading

Posted in mental health, relationships | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

So that’s that.

I’m destroyed. But I’ll get better. It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back. So I’ve heard.

Posted in relationships | Leave a comment

It’s just a ride.

It has been a week of up and down. I am dealing well with the OCD behaviours and making some good progress and I’m happy about that. But I have been in very low mood, dwelling on the last 8 … Continue reading

Posted in liver transplant, mental health, obsessive compulsive, relationships | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments