Category Archives: mental health

Today

I am consumed by hate and fear and anxiety, when I desperately want to feel love and joy and calm. My face is forgetting how to smile. I need to remember how to do it before it’s gone for good. … Continue reading

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Unloved kid.

I always felt frightened. I can’t remember not feeling like that. I lived with chaos, instability, violence, misery. I look at old photos of me and from the age of about four I have that same slightly blank, shell-shocked look … Continue reading

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Sigh. (Again.)

After today’s colossal and repeated errors in judgement, rampant foolishness, overwhelming panic and just utter stupidity, I have come to the conclusion that I learn slower than a fucking pigeon. When will it end? I am an unstoppable fool; this … Continue reading

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In which I am a mess.

I am all over the place these days. J came back from hospital but has to go back in again on Monday. Still no joy getting rid of his abscess. He will stay for a while I think. My OCD … Continue reading

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Neutropenia.

J is going back to Birmingham. Another blow. He has neutropenia; his white blood cells are demolished and there’s nowhere to go with medication now. No changes to make that will help him. I do not know what they will … Continue reading

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I have a friend

who I have known for 20 years. His name is Stuart. We became friends back when I went to college as a mature student. (Even though I was only 23 at the time I had not been in education since … Continue reading

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Two steps forward…

…one step back. Or what feels like two steps back. He’s back in hospital. He was feeling unwell for a few days and then he went really poorly on Thursday and was readmitted while they work out what’s wrong. Turns … Continue reading

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I’ve been down this road before…

The last few days have been very difficult. I have felt a recurrence of symptoms of my depression and been frightened by what that means. Is it coming back? Do the signs point to another long trip downhill? I don’t … Continue reading

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Refuge

I am feeling everything and anything today. So many intrusive thoughts, so much anxiety, so much painful loss. Trying very, very hard to keep going with the CBT tools.  Trying so very hard to maintain a sense of reality and … Continue reading

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“Shut up and move with me, or get out of my face…. “

“Shut up and stay with me, or let go of my hand” I want to move on. I want to run very fast and very far and I am being held back by people who want me to stand still. … Continue reading

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