Category Archives: Fear

Today

I am consumed by hate and fear and anxiety, when I desperately want to feel love and joy and calm. My face is forgetting how to smile. I need to remember how to do it before it’s gone for good. … Continue reading

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Unloved kid.

I always felt frightened. I can’t remember not feeling like that. I lived with chaos, instability, violence, misery. I look at old photos of me and from the age of about four I have that same slightly blank, shell-shocked look … Continue reading

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Neutropenia.

J is going back to Birmingham. Another blow. He has neutropenia; his white blood cells are demolished and there’s nowhere to go with medication now. No changes to make that will help him. I do not know what they will … Continue reading

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Refuge

I am feeling everything and anything today. So many intrusive thoughts, so much anxiety, so much painful loss. Trying very, very hard to keep going with the CBT tools.  Trying so very hard to maintain a sense of reality and … Continue reading

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Therapy. Again.

It’s been a rough few days. Raging paranoia, anxiety, panic, sadness, mania, all flooding through me, as bad as it has been for a long time. I’ve been practising compassion-focussed therapy and it is such hard work to get to … Continue reading

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Who I am.

I’m sad. I’m lonely. I’m tired and can’t sleep. I’m frightened of so many things that I don’t know where to start to deal with them. I’m losing my hair. I’m forgetting to eat. I’m drinking too much. I’m obsessive. … Continue reading

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Another scary night

He has a temperature of 38.5 and feels shaky. But he’s adamant that he’s ok and doesn’t need to go to hospital. All I can think of is that the infection is back. He had paracetamol and has gone to … Continue reading

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It’s been a bad few days…

The saying goes “When you’re going through hell, keep going.” And I will.

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So, Therapy, pt 2

The GP referral was fast. I had my  IAPT assessment this morning. I met an amazing woman who I will call Jill, who listened to my shit for 50 minutes and then gets to go away and sort out what … Continue reading

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I danced.

Yesterday was a good day. I felt well. It was a day when things were ok and I honestly wanted to keep going and I felt positive and powerful and I danced a little bit. Today is a bad day. … Continue reading

Posted in anxiety, Fear, happy, mental health | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments