Author Archives: pippa

About pippa

40-something, yogi, gardener, reader and writer. Not great at any of those things but more than happy to be average. I'm anxious, depressed, chaotic, boring, delighted, excited and often foolish. It's all good. And cake.

Today

I am consumed by hate and fear and anxiety, when I desperately want to feel love and joy and calm. My face is forgetting how to smile. I need to remember how to do it before it’s gone for good. … Continue reading

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Unloved kid.

I always felt frightened. I can’t remember not feeling like that. I lived with chaos, instability, violence, misery. I look at old photos of me and from the age of about four I have that same slightly blank, shell-shocked look … Continue reading

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Sigh. (Again.)

After today’s colossal and repeated errors in judgement, rampant foolishness, overwhelming panic and just utter stupidity, I have come to the conclusion that I learn slower than a fucking pigeon. When will it end? I am an unstoppable fool; this … Continue reading

Posted in anxiety, depression, mental health, music, OCD, relationships | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

In which I am a mess.

I am all over the place these days. J came back from hospital but has to go back in again on Monday. Still no joy getting rid of his abscess. He will stay for a while I think. My OCD … Continue reading

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Neutropenia.

J is going back to Birmingham. Another blow. He has neutropenia; his white blood cells are demolished and there’s nowhere to go with medication now. No changes to make that will help him. I do not know what they will … Continue reading

Posted in anxiety, depression, Fear, liver transplant, mental health | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

unstoppable pain

Posted in anxiety, depression, relationships | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

Words

I was awake much of last night, thinking, crying, anxious, frightened almost. I wrote in my diary and listened to music that can sometimes settle me but last night, nothing. It was a bad night. Dark thoughts, wanting to just … Continue reading

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I have a friend

who I have known for 20 years. His name is Stuart. We became friends back when I went to college as a mature student. (Even though I was only 23 at the time I had not been in education since … Continue reading

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Ulay Ulay Oh… Marina Abramovic and Ulay…

If you haven’t already seen this…possibly one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever found on the interwebs… did some digging around for an ‘after-story’ but nothing…. sorry..apart from an interview with Ulay where he doesn’t discuss Marina at all…

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Two steps forward…

…one step back. Or what feels like two steps back. He’s back in hospital. He was feeling unwell for a few days and then he went really poorly on Thursday and was readmitted while they work out what’s wrong. Turns … Continue reading

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