I am all over the place these days. J came back from hospital but has to go back in again on Monday. Still no joy getting rid of his abscess. He will stay for a while I think. My OCD is raging. I am panic stricken. Caught in a loop of checking and worrying and checking. I can’t stop. I have my counselling and the instructions to deal with it but this week I have been at fever pitch. I am lying awake worrying about how I will stop checking. How I will break this cycle. My checking behaviours cross over with my avoidance behaviours and it is really difficult to unpick them and know which is which, and how to not do either. I have made it a rule today that I must look in the mirror when I wash my face, do my hair and put on make up. I avoid this usually. But then I check in the mirror sometimes up to 60 times a day. I walk from one mirror to another, making sure that nothing has changed in those seconds while I wasn’t looking. So I have to stop that. I have to extinguish all these behaviours and Lucy assures me that the intrusive thoughts that accompany them will die off too. So, I will use the mirror for the three things that I have been avoiding. And then I will not check. No matter what thoughts are raging through my head about how my face is melting off and how disgusting I look, I will not check.
- "Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold." - Helen Keller
- "Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got." - Janis Joplin
- "Take the risk of thinking for yourself, much more happiness, truth, beauty and wisdom will come to you that way." - Christopher Hitchens