J is going back to Birmingham. Another blow. He has neutropenia; his white blood cells are demolished and there’s nowhere to go with medication now. No changes to make that will help him. I do not know what they will do to fix this. He recovered from his sepsis, he recovered from the massive abscess, and now this. It’s not fair. But nothing is fair I suppose. How do we go on from here? How do I keep him from losing his will to live? It seems like the closer we get to being okay, the faster the hammer blows fall. I am a selfish woman. I watch him going through this and I think of myself. All I want is my life back. Is that so much to ask? I can not run away now. I have to stay here and see J through this. See our children through this. I’m so tired and lonely. I feel like I’m holding up the world and my body is just too weak to do it any more. If I let it drop what happens? At some point I’ll find out.
- "Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold." - Helen Keller
- "Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got." - Janis Joplin
- "Take the risk of thinking for yourself, much more happiness, truth, beauty and wisdom will come to you that way." - Christopher Hitchens