J is going back to Birmingham. Another blow. He has neutropenia; his white blood cells are demolished and there’s nowhere to go with medication now. No changes to make that will help him. I do not know what they will do to fix this. He recovered from his sepsis, he recovered from the massive abscess, and now this. It’s not fair. But nothing is fair I suppose. How do we go on from here? How do I keep him from losing his will to live? It seems like the closer we get to being okay, the faster the hammer blows fall. I am a selfish woman. I watch him going through this and I think of myself. All I want is my life back. Is that so much to ask? I can not run away now. I have to stay here and see J through this. See our children through this. I’m so tired and lonely. I feel like I’m holding up the world and my body is just too weak to do it any more. If I let it drop what happens? At some point I’ll find out.


About pippa

40-something, yogi, gardener, reader and writer. Not great at any of those things but more than happy to be average. I'm anxious, depressed, chaotic, boring, delighted, excited and often foolish. It's all good. And cake.
This entry was posted in anxiety, depression, Fear, liver transplant, mental health and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Neutropenia.

  1. Jen says:

    coffeee here..and sympathy..anytime you need it..heading off to google neutropenia

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