Words

I was awake much of last night, thinking, crying, anxious, frightened almost. I wrote in my diary and listened to music that can sometimes settle me but last night, nothing. It was a bad night. Dark thoughts, wanting to just stop. Fearful of carrying on with this crippling level of anxiousness and leaden misery. As I wrote I thought about how to tell the people I love and who love me that I am living in this terrible place. How can I best explain the anxiety and the attendant behaviours so that they make some sense to others? How can anyone who doesn’t have anxiety and depression understand what someone else is suffering? I don’t know what the words are. I don’t know how to make anyone get it. I’m not suicidal, I’m not unsafe, I’m just very low and ticcing constantly, fighting my OCD because it has increased and is fighting back against my attempts to kill it. I will win. I know that all of this stuff is happening for a very good reason. I know that I am in a rough spot and I’m working hard to fix things and this makes the symptoms worse. It’s temporary. But I think it’s important to be able to talk to my family and friends about what’s going on, and I can’t. I start to speak and become ashamed. I feel silly. I feel small and like I’m hogging time and attention. I feel pathetic. I can not give myself the compassion that I would give to any other human being. So I clam up. Worthless, stupid, attention-seeking Pippa. Why do I feel like this? Why can’t I talk to myself the way I talk to my friends who sometimes suffer like this? I suppose it’s part of the whole package of low mood and anxiety. It’s a vicious circle. I have instructions from Lucy on what to do in these moments, and I have to really try and follow them. Today I will work hard to do just that. I have some time today for myself, and I mean to use it constructively, compassionately, kindly. I think I’ll try and shelve the need to explain, too. Maybe people don’t need to understand it. Maybe they love me no matter what.

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About pippa

40-something, yogi, gardener, reader and writer. Not great at any of those things but more than happy to be average. I'm anxious, depressed, chaotic, boring, delighted, excited and often foolish. It's all good. And cake.
This entry was posted in anxiety, depression, insomnia, obsessive compulsive, relationships and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Words

  1. sharereiki says:

    Hi. I too have struggled with crippling anxiety and understand the mental and emotional chaos, the tiredness and the bleakness that goes along with it. I would love for you to have a look at my blog to see if any of the words resonate with you and help you on your healing journey. http://sharereiki.wordpress.com. The trauma that I have been through is being healed and transformed into a wonderful energy, my energy through techniques such as mindfulness (learning to observe thoughts and emotions from a space of detachment without dialoguing with them). This space that I now reside in is separate to my thoughts and emotions, so I am able to observe them, acknowledge them, learn from them without losing myself in them. This space is a space of love. I hope that you can find something or anything that allows you to feel, if just for a moment, that feeling of universal love, compassion and peace. Then know that this is you, the real you. Then when you feel this love, you can maybe view your anxiety and the self-abusive thoughts that arise from this with a notion that your anxiety needs healing and if you can love your anxiety, look after it, nourish it, take care of it…then hopefully you will feel calmer and more loved. I am thinking of you and sending you some healing vibes from Bristol, UK. Good luck with your healing journey. Light and Love xxx

    • pippa says:

      Thank you. Thank you for such lovely words and kindness. I will have a read of your blog, I’m open to anything that helps with healing and connection to others. I am working on mindfulness, I practise yoga, I am trying to be compassionate in all areas of my life. It means a lot to me that you took the time to comment and say such gentle, powerful, positive things. I am constantly heartened by the generosity and love that comes from friends I haven’t yet met. Love right back at ya! xx

  2. Jen says:

    your life is unrecognisable to the life you thought was stable and secure..2-3 years ago…you’d be crazy not to be anxious…I know its shit…. and terrifying…but totally reasonable given the circumstances…you must be exhausted and bordering on PTSD by now xxxx.. dont feel obliged to publish this comment xx

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