I was awake much of last night, thinking, crying, anxious, frightened almost. I wrote in my diary and listened to music that can sometimes settle me but last night, nothing. It was a bad night. Dark thoughts, wanting to just stop. Fearful of carrying on with this crippling level of anxiousness and leaden misery. As I wrote I thought about how to tell the people I love and who love me that I am living in this terrible place. How can I best explain the anxiety and the attendant behaviours so that they make some sense to others? How can anyone who doesn’t have anxiety and depression understand what someone else is suffering? I don’t know what the words are. I don’t know how to make anyone get it. I’m not suicidal, I’m not unsafe, I’m just very low and ticcing constantly, fighting my OCD because it has increased and is fighting back against my attempts to kill it. I will win. I know that all of this stuff is happening for a very good reason. I know that I am in a rough spot and I’m working hard to fix things and this makes the symptoms worse. It’s temporary. But I think it’s important to be able to talk to my family and friends about what’s going on, and I can’t. I start to speak and become ashamed. I feel silly. I feel small and like I’m hogging time and attention. I feel pathetic. I can not give myself the compassion that I would give to any other human being. So I clam up. Worthless, stupid, attention-seeking Pippa. Why do I feel like this? Why can’t I talk to myself the way I talk to my friends who sometimes suffer like this? I suppose it’s part of the whole package of low mood and anxiety. It’s a vicious circle. I have instructions from Lucy on what to do in these moments, and I have to really try and follow them. Today I will work hard to do just that. I have some time today for myself, and I mean to use it constructively, compassionately, kindly. I think I’ll try and shelve the need to explain, too. Maybe people don’t need to understand it. Maybe they love me no matter what.
- "Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold." - Helen Keller
- "Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got." - Janis Joplin
- "Take the risk of thinking for yourself, much more happiness, truth, beauty and wisdom will come to you that way." - Christopher Hitchens