…one step back. Or what feels like two steps back. He’s back in hospital. He was feeling unwell for a few days and then he went really poorly on Thursday and was readmitted while they work out what’s wrong. Turns out to be huge abscess, poisoning him. They are draining it and bombarding him with antibiotics and fluids, all the while balancing his anti-rejection meds because they are wiping out his immunity. This feels never ending. I just want to escape. So much anxiety, so much disappointment. And each time I think I’m closer to getting what I want in life, something pulls it further out of my reach. I know how selfish that seems, given what he’s going through and how hard he is fighting to be well. But after all these years of putting everyone else first I’m learning to recognise my needs and attend to them. And at the moment I need space. I need him to be well, to need me less, to be ok. I need to keep working on my OCD. I need to keep walking forward, even though it feels like I’m wading through glue. I think more than anything, and in spite of the massive support I’m getting from my lovely family and friends, I feel alone. It’s a lonely place in my head these days. It will get better, I know. But right now I would give pretty much anything to know that someone understands how I’m feeling. I think I might dance now. Loud music, a little bit of vodka, moving wildly for a while. It sometimes helps. Dance with me. No-one’s looking.
- "Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold." - Helen Keller
- "Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got." - Janis Joplin
- "Take the risk of thinking for yourself, much more happiness, truth, beauty and wisdom will come to you that way." - Christopher Hitchens