And Now There’s Ruby.

Counselling is going very well. I’m slowly but surely battering the OCD into submission. I have a few new tics and oddities to rein in but I’m coping. I have strategies. I have confidence. It’s very hard work, I have to admit, but it is absolutely worth it. I can now imagine a future without the anxiety and the compulsive checking and the distorted, angry thoughts. I will also admit that I am getting a little bit scared of how I will cope when the sessions end, but that’s a while off yet and I know that it’s normal to feel like that. I won’t be left to go it alone until I’m absolutely ready.

This week we did something that felt wonderful. I am so excited about it and so determined to make it work that I can’t keep it to myself. I haven’t told anyone real yet, but I can write it here. We made Ruby. Ruby is tall and strong and healthful and confident. She has no OCD, she doesn’t need to constantly check her face or her hair or count things. She is powerful and makes good choices about her mind and her body and her future. She is fearless in all parts of her life. We stood her up, dressed her from head to toe in what makes her feel good, we armed her, we talked about what makes her real and then we named her. I picked Ruby. It was a nickname someone once gave me 20 years ago when I was in a wonderful feminist collective called the Front Bottoms. It was an amazing time in my life, a time when I felt supported and empowered and part of something very special. The name brings back those good memories and it just seemed right. Then when we had made her complete and believable I stepped in to her. It sounds so silly as I write it. But I can be her whenever I need to be and the power that gave me is incredible. I feel taller. I feel stronger. It’s not dissociation, I’ve been there and done that; it is ownership. Ownership of my strengths and my confidence. I can access these traits quickly and easily now that I have Ruby. Ruby takes no shit. Ruby can be anything she wants to be and is frightened of nothing. Well guess what? Me too.


About pippa

40-something, yogi, gardener, reader and writer. Not great at any of those things but more than happy to be average. I'm anxious, depressed, chaotic, boring, delighted, excited and often foolish. It's all good. And cake.
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4 Responses to And Now There’s Ruby.

  1. Jen says:

    you’ve got my Ruby…. i love Ruby by the way… should have given you a different one.. 🙂 sorry wrong type of comment..AND PLEASE stick a subscription box in your sidebar so I can be sure I don’t miss any of your posts… xxx pretty please..almost missed this one, already missed last, heading back to read now

    • pippa says:

      Thanks Jen, for commenting and re-blogging. I’ll do the subscription box! I have your Ruby safe and sound. I will drop her off this week. Things been a bit hectic here but I have some time this week, I’ll ring you. xxxx

  2. Jen says:

    Reblogged this on Desisister Jen and commented:
    Not my post..I’m sort of cheating on the daily post thing..
    on the daily post..wrote one didnt publish needed editing, next one wriote on paper and lost it..election knocked me out.. and
    here’s a REALLY REALLY good post that I love… meet the Unstoppanble Fool

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