Counselling is going very well. I’m slowly but surely battering the OCD into submission. I have a few new tics and oddities to rein in but I’m coping. I have strategies. I have confidence. It’s very hard work, I have to admit, but it is absolutely worth it. I can now imagine a future without the anxiety and the compulsive checking and the distorted, angry thoughts. I will also admit that I am getting a little bit scared of how I will cope when the sessions end, but that’s a while off yet and I know that it’s normal to feel like that. I won’t be left to go it alone until I’m absolutely ready.
This week we did something that felt wonderful. I am so excited about it and so determined to make it work that I can’t keep it to myself. I haven’t told anyone real yet, but I can write it here. We made Ruby. Ruby is tall and strong and healthful and confident. She has no OCD, she doesn’t need to constantly check her face or her hair or count things. She is powerful and makes good choices about her mind and her body and her future. She is fearless in all parts of her life. We stood her up, dressed her from head to toe in what makes her feel good, we armed her, we talked about what makes her real and then we named her. I picked Ruby. It was a nickname someone once gave me 20 years ago when I was in a wonderful feminist collective called the Front Bottoms. It was an amazing time in my life, a time when I felt supported and empowered and part of something very special. The name brings back those good memories and it just seemed right. Then when we had made her complete and believable I stepped in to her. It sounds so silly as I write it. But I can be her whenever I need to be and the power that gave me is incredible. I feel taller. I feel stronger. It’s not dissociation, I’ve been there and done that; it is ownership. Ownership of my strengths and my confidence. I can access these traits quickly and easily now that I have Ruby. Ruby takes no shit. Ruby can be anything she wants to be and is frightened of nothing. Well guess what? Me too.