It’s been a rough few days. Raging paranoia, anxiety, panic, sadness, mania, all flooding through me, as bad as it has been for a long time. I’ve been practising compassion-focussed therapy and it is such hard work to get to that state of mind when everything is racing and frantic and distressing. I have instructions from Lucy for tackling my OCD this week and even thinking about following the instructions causes misery and panic. But! I have done well. I have been able to do what she asked so far. I sat through the panic and did what I need to do. It’s going to be a very long time before this starts to feel okay but I am absolutely determined to do it. I will not live with these behaviours and this crippling anxiety any more. It’s got to be worth this temporary increase in symptoms to reduce them in the long term. I am placing my faith in the CBT, the compassionate mind stuff, Lucy, and me. I can do this. I have done it before, I can do it again. The difference this time must be that I carry on after the therapy has finished. I have to build up the skills and keep them sharp. It’s been a miserable few days, but underneath, if I really dig down, I am very happy. Things are changing.
- "Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold." - Helen Keller
- "Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got." - Janis Joplin
- "Take the risk of thinking for yourself, much more happiness, truth, beauty and wisdom will come to you that way." - Christopher Hitchens