Yesterday was CBT session 2. I Had some time to myself in the morning to think myself ready, coz it’s HARD WORK, and I trundled off to see my counsellor, who I will call Lucy, and got ready to spill my guts for an hour. And I spilled them. Lucy knows what she’s doing. I am filled with doubt that all of my thoughts and worries and behaviours are trivial and pathetic and when I start to speak them they become even more so. This is not true. And your thoughts and worries and behaviours are not trivial either. If you are troubled, anxious, depressed, fearful, happy, chaotic, panicked, it’s all valid. Its all worthy of attention and if you need it, help. And don’t be put off by the offer of help. It’s not help in the way that people around me try to help. There’s no bollocks encouragement to see the beauty in things and suggestions to pick myself up or surround myself with goodness and happiness. I can’t tell what those are anymore so that’s no use anyway. This help is real. A sitting there, listening and not judging help. An “its ok for you to feel like shit, I’ll still like you” help. There is a gentle but tenacious nudging towards self-questioning. Lucy asks me to think creatively about exactly what I’m thinking and to try and articulate it. I struggled yesterday but then I had an epiphany. A memory and a feeling so huge it knocked me off my feet. I left the room and went back a long time to a terrible time and I felt very scared for a few minutes. But Lucy brought me back, calmed me, talked me through what I remembered and assured me that it was ok. And it is. It doesn’t matter what happened really, but I learned something very important and I think learning it will make a big difference to how I behave now. I feel powerful. Now I understand it, I can let go of that memory and the behaviour that has followed it all these years.
- "Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold." - Helen Keller
- "Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got." - Janis Joplin
- "Take the risk of thinking for yourself, much more happiness, truth, beauty and wisdom will come to you that way." - Christopher Hitchens