And then wallop,

I’m right back down to earth today. So very happy yesterday and today just uncontrollable crying and panic and constant anxious checking and feeding my neuroses. I am so utterly sick of it. I made an appointment to see a counsellor on Monday. I have to get some help now, before I do something drastic and silly. I feel so close to that edge, the point where I tip over from anxious but functioning into mental chaos and flat out manic behaviour. That’s where I will become unsafe and scary and I will stand to lose a great deal. The positive side to all this is that I know it’s happening and I can take steps to arrest it. My friends are concerned because they can see it happening and they are nudging me to get it sorted. Nudging is probably the wrong word. My good friends are being harsh, which is really what I need. I need to be told. My very best friend is heartbroken and cries for me and I feel like shit for putting her through this. I need to get better for her as well as me.  I hope that Monday’s appointment gives me some hope. In my head right now I see the counsellor telling me to leave, that I’m unfixable, that I’m not good enough for her to waste her time on. It’s this kind of stupid catastrophic thinking that I’m doing all the time. I’m going bald, I’m hideous, I’m useless, I have no life, I have no future, people are repulsed by me, I’m secretly evil, just destructive, awful thoughts that most of the time I know are untrue but for the times when I believe them are so horrible and painful I don’t want to live. Which is fucking pathetic. When I read that back it really is utterly fucking pathetic and I hate myself even more for being such a whiny, trivial, self-involved twat.

Advertisements

About pippa

40-something, yogi, gardener, reader and writer. Not great at any of those things but more than happy to be average. I'm anxious, depressed, chaotic, boring, delighted, excited and often foolish. It's all good. And cake.
This entry was posted in anxiety, Fear, mental health and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s