Change. For the better. No, really.

It took you less than a minute to demolish me yesterday. Sensing what was coming and knowing your peculiar ability to slice into the core of what means most to me and shatter it irreperably, I stood to one side and tried this time to ride it out as a casual observer. And I watched you rip through into my chest and snatch out my heart still beating and drop it to the floor like something unclean. In those cruel seconds you smashed my confidence and I felt worthless and small and humiliated and ugly. Again. But something else happened. Something valuable. I watched you calculate the damage you might do and the pain you would cause and then still inflict it. I have always thought that you cannot help yourself and that you do not mean what you say and do, and when you hurt me and others it is because you have been hurt and you don’t know how to reach out and so you lash out and I have always, always forgiven you because of this. Yesterday I saw that I have always been wrong and you are pathologically cruel, and in that instant I detached from you forever. Your heart is small and cold and unkind and I am sure that must be painful for you. I think that is why you try so hard to break mine. I am so very glad that I can see this now. I feel absolved of all responsibility for you; you can do this on your own. Today, after all these years, I know this: I owe you nothing.

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About pippa

40-something, yogi, gardener, reader and writer. Not great at any of those things but more than happy to be average. I'm anxious, depressed, chaotic, boring, delighted, excited and often foolish. It's all good. And cake.
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